Spirituality & Healing

It whispers to all of us and its language as unique as the person expressing it.

February 28, 2025 | by Lee Ann Calabrese

~ This is my story.

“Who am I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Where do I go when I die?” As a young girl, I soon realized that these questions made people feel very uncomfortable; and since those questions were important to me and part of my internal processes, then pondering such questions must be wrong; therefore, I must be wrong. The last thing I wanted to do, especially being an empath, was to make others uncomfortable. Well, ‘Lesson learned’, I thought. I tucked those deeper questions away for my eyes only; while externally adopting the role of ‘people pleaser’ or shall I say, ‘Master People Pleaser’. It wasn’t so bad. After all, I had countless likes & followers, even before that was a thing. Plus, it was clear in the beginning that those who dared answer my questions, were insistent that they themselves, had the answers and could point to them in a book or from another person. “But where did they get their answers? What makes them right? And most importantly, why when I question you, are you getting angry with me? It doesn’t seem as though these answers have brought you peace” I surmised.

The depth of my thoughts & feelings, along with my highly-sensitive heart would be a sort of sanctuary I would visit often, always feeling held & nurtured in my truth, returning to the external world a more open, connected, and heart-centered individual. “It was almost impossible for me to explain my own depth and who would even understand?” I wondered. I barely understood it myself. The first time I knew I was different was after watching an infomercial showcasing Sally Struthers pleading for help to save the starving children in Ethiopia. I was heart sick over this and found it difficult to believe and accept that nothing could be done. It amazed me that we could just keep moving on with our life as if this wasn’t going on in the background of our experience. I still feel that way when I hear of events in the news today. I will never stop aching for those who suffer.

An even greater challenge came in my early 30’s when life knocked me over and spirit came knocking. I lost my beloved mother to cancer when she was only a few years older than me now. This would be the first of many excruciating, life-altering circumstances to befall me, followed each time by a deep, dark dive within. My people-pleasing mask became heavier and increasingly unbearable. “Who even was I beyond this mask? a wife? mother? teacher? therapist? Hmm, how revealing that I have no identity outside of my service for others.“ I thought.

It wasn’t long for the deep, dark ocean of grief to arrive at my door and my internal resistance to these feelings was punishing. To say my thoughts don’t like me is an understatement. “Well, don’t you like being a wife? mother? teacher? etc. It certainly doesn’t appear that way. People have it way worse than you.” Another crushing wave of guilt… ‘This really sucks’, as the tears poured out of me and the thoughts had their way with me. It was like all of my unwelcome parts arriving at once and refusing to leave until I acknowledged each and every one of them.

“Whose voices were they even? It sounds like me but my true self would never step on someone’s head when she’s hurting. Why am I stepping on my head when I can’t catch my breath. Who even am I? Why am I here? What is the point of life? Why don’t people talk about the things that really matter? Why does the room go quiet when I bring these subjects up? Who put me on this planet? This was a big mistake sending me here. I don’t belong here and never had. I failed my mission – whatever it was. I’m so sorry I failed you all – I tried so hard.”

I pleaded for mercy in my darkest hour and after a particularly steep fall, I finally landed on my ‘why’. In that moment, the world disappeared and time stood still… My crying stopped; the room seemed oddly quiet… I was awakening. This was the closest to grace I have ever felt, followed by a depth of peace that lives in me still ~ I am not alone.

“There is nothing wrong with you Sweetheart. If you don’t fit in the world, it’s because you are here to envision and live a different one… one based on love, not fear… connection & wholeness, not separation & division… equality, not hierarchy… compassion, not complacency…. and the list goes on. Go live your truth fearlessly. Live as an embodiment of what you want to see in this world.

The laughter soon replaced the sobs. If I wasn’t so connected & peaceful in my heart, I would think I had gone mad. “This changes everything. Nobody can stop me from living my truth. My time & energy are my greatest assets – my currency & life force, so to speak. Where have I been giving my time & energy? This is my life Dammit! I’ve been waiting for the world to change, totally disempowering and robbing myself of life force. What a wake-up call! The purpose of my life, beyond all roles I play, is to live a life in integrity of my true self – a heart-centered life.”

The funny thing was that no matter how loving I was in the world, I myself, was not at the center of it. I considered my desires & needs last and more often than not, they were left unmet. This was completely on me and it was my responsibility to reconcile this imbalance. I must do this for every version of me who was previously silenced… every yes when my heart said no… every no when my heart said yes…  every time I didn’t speak up… and every time I betrayed myself to keep the peace. This returning to self and facing the truth of me was a crucial first step, albeit an excruciating one.

“Did I have it in me to endure that? I might ruffle feathers and disappoint so many. Isn’t that selfish?” Dang! There’s that foot again. Out of nowhere, an inner wisdom and guidance spoke to, and through, me like never before. It was a loving presence deeply connected to my heart. Ahhh, there’s that grace I was feeling earlier. Some call it God, angels, spirit, guides, source… but whatever it’s called, I know I am not alone; of that, I am certain. I am always being guided and the signs are everywhere. I am now certain this path chose me and I cannot, nor do I ever want to, go back. With all of this coinciding with an unprecedented fear & division in the world around me, it ignited a resolve that both terrified and excited me.

Following in the footsteps of this peak experience, I paused all of the roles I was playing and with a strength & resolve that previously eluded me, shared with family & friends that I must take this time to go within…to feel…to heal. I filled my life with everything soul nourishing – saying yes to my heart and a hard no to anything that would oppose its wisdom. My guides were loud & clear and their abundant synchronicities did not disappoint. My soul was calling me home and I had no idea where I would land when it was all said and done. “Who would even be there?” I wondered.

“So, living a life in integrity of my true self… What does this even mean?” I wondered. Well, I’m still figuring that out, but I do know it starts with a desire for something more… more depth, more honesty, more forgiveness, more heart, basically living as an embodiment of love – a womb so to speak, to hold and nurture my whole self. This is an internal job and it must begin with my vow to mend my relationship with me and every single aspect of me I had disconnected from.

As I clarified this vision, I started to pour my precious time & energy into everything that spoke to my heart. I cried when my body wanted to cry and I laughed when my body wanted to laugh. I was so attuned to what my body needed in any given moment and even if I couldn’t stop the pain, I held my heart and breathed deeply, while protecting my head from my foot. This led me to falling in love with my authentic self who happens to love yoga, meditation, my breath, my body, my vulnerability and nature – especially trees. I filled my house with plants and I grounded by placing my bare feet on the earth as often as I could. I connected with my inner child and invited her to come and play again. I welcomed her sensitivities, her curiosities and most importantly, her depth.

I wondered about my ancestors and the traumas and hardships they endured. I vowed to heal for them. I forgave everyone, especially myself. I journaled and gave permission to all of my parts to communicate with me whenever they wanted, especially the shameful parts. I joined sisterhood circles & overnight healing retreats, practiced self healing methods like Reiki, heart-opening practices, and enrolled in courses to deepen my intuition & connection to self. I created an alter space where I connect daily with my higher self and gracing this space are candles, items from nature, a globe so I can send healing intentions to the world, my Tarot cards, smudging tools and a sweet little pic of me when I was 5 years old. Under the pic are two words: “for you” as my eternal vow to her. It turns out my family & friends are still here and enormously proud of me, but nobody is prouder than that little girl in the picture.